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Just a lil FYI......I write here for me and me only. I hope to use this space to help me remember the good, the bad and the ugly!!! I may also voice my feelings on a few things here and there, if you don't agree with them, cool and please do feel free to let me know. BUT....(there's always a "but" huh???) be nice these are MY feelings and thoughts and it's MY blog so again be nice!!! Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you will check back often as I'm really trying to make myself post more often. Sometimes just writing things down help to get things off my chest so to say, and it does me feel better.

Friday, January 28, 2011

My little blue friend

Where the heck has the time gone??? Every day since I’ve been home from the hospital I have thought about posting, but you know how best laid plans go, huh? There is nothing new going on here, same old same old which I suppose I should be thankful for. Dave (hubby) has been busy as ever at the office!!! They have new computer software system that has been instated the first week of January, and since then he has been busier than I don’t even know what!! I feel really bad for him, as if the new software isn’t enough of an issue it’s “month end close”. Those that are in or have been sales I’m sure know exactly what I’m talking about, HELL!!! Again we need to be thankful that they have so much business that they are busy and he has lots of orders coming in but……it’s hard to see him stressed out and so tired. You can just look at him and see how mentally tired he is, I wish I could change things for him. We are very thankful for the fact that he does have a job; we know many, many people out there don’t have jobs and I feel bad complaining about it. I know he isn’t getting good restful sleep because he tosses and turns and is just really restless. I hope he’ll get some good down time this weekend; we have no plans except to have a cookout at our neighbors. Yes I said a cookout at the end of January!!!!!! It is supposed to be like 60 degrees all weekend, so we’ll all pretend its spring or early summer and wear a light weight jacket and enjoy the company and good food!!!
Wednesday of next week we are going to visit our son and his wife and our sweet lil grand daughter!!!!! That little has totally stolen my heart!!! I got a call the weekend I was in the hospital that Caroline had stood up in her crib, my sweet lil girl!!! Kayla (daughter in law) walked into her room to get her after a nap and as she walked in the door Caroline just grabbed the top rail of her crib and stood up!!! Man where has the time gone??? She will be eight months old on the 12th of February; Kayla said one day last week she was just chilling on the floor with her feet in her month and she just sat up and then stood all by herself!!!!!!! Of course it was only for a split second, she just may walk before her daddy leaves for deployment!!! I don’t want to rush her along but I really would like for him to see her walk for the first time. She cracks me up with her crawling, she just gets on all fours and rocks back and forth, then when she’s ready for takeoff she drops down to her tummy and tucks her left arm under her belly and tummy/army crawls any where she wants to go. If she gets tired of tummy crawling she rolls where ever she wants to go, smart lil girl!!!! I can’t wait to get there to visit so I can give Kayla a break, Caroline isn’t sleeping well at all! She goes down between 8:30 and 9:30 and sleeps until around midnight or one AM, then it seems as if it’s every hour she is awake. She’s not hungry when she wakes up because she isn’t interested in a bottle all she does is scream at the top of her lungs. Kayla has tried everything we can think of to help her sleep, from playing soft music, letting her cry it out, repositioning her and putting her little blanket back over her, and who knows what else. I feel really, really bad for Kayla I mean we all need our sleep and as much as she says she is OK I know it has to be getting to her!! Caroline went in for her six month check up in January and they said all was well with her, although Kayla did call for an appointment today because Caroline has been pulling on her ears a lot of this sleep thing is getting worse and worse instead of better. That crazy military insurance they are covered by said that they didn’t have anything open for her until Monday!!!!!!!! Monday, who the heck wants to go all weekend with a possible ear infection??? Our son even came home from work early and went to medical to see what he could do if anything and they told him they were sorry but it was Friday and too late in the day for her to be seen today!!! Man, it’s a good thing that wasn’t me because I’d probably get kicked out of the Navy for going nuts. It just bugs me to no end when I hear they have told Kayla “well since she doesn’t have a fever and is eating and drinking she should be fine until Monday”!!! Oh yeah also if she gets worse over the weekend take her to the ER, that as a health care professional pisses me off to no end!!! That is abuse of the ER if you ask me, and that is why the ER’s all over the country are so overbooked and in such horrible states that patients die awaiting care at times. Why bother assigning them a primary care physician if you can’t get in when you need to?? OK I’m finished my rant here, sorry but the health care system in this country leaves a lot to be desired!!! I should and am very thankful for my own health coverage as well as the kids having coverage but they make it so dang hard to use.
As I mentioned a few posts ago that I had planned to talk to my physician about a possible anti-depressant because I just didn’t feel like “me”. Well I’ve been taking it since January sixth and although I am slightly afraid to jinx myself, I have to say that I do feel as if it may be working. I have no clue long it’s supposed to take, I’ve never taken anything like this before so, any suggestions I’m open for them. So the good doc gave me Zoloft and I suppose it’s like most of the drugs in that class that take about four weeks or so to get to a good therapeutic level in ones system. Again open for suggestions from any and all!! I have not felt like sleeping all day long, I have more desire to get up and do stuff instead of just sitting around watching TV all day. I have to say I was a little concerned last week that maybe I was wasting my time and money on this medication because I felt so bad and had little no energy; but I think that was just my body recovering from the kidney infection and sepsis (infection in my blood). The very beginning of this week I felt much better overall, I was up and out of bed by nine AM, which I can live with since I do tend to go to bed very late. In the past several weeks/months I wouldn’t get up until close to noon or even later, my sleep was often broken up. I’d go to bed and fall asleep fairly early like 9ish and then be wide awake by midnight, so I’d watch TV for a few hours, then Dave’s alarm would go off around five AM and I’d often stay awake until he left close to seven and then I’d just go back to sleep until whenever. Then I’d get up and feel like crap because one I’d slept the day away, secondly, I had no desire to get dressed. Often times I’d stay in my jammies until late afternoon or just before Dave was due home, then I’d shower and just put clean jammies back on, well of course that just made me feel even worse! Normally I get a haircut every four weeks five at the very most; I had even begun skipping those. I had a hair cut this past Tuesday and it’s my first since mid November, that’s just not me. I also normally would get a mani/pedi about every two to three weeks, I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had either done and they so looked it too!!! I called this week my maintance week, since I was having a hair cut, highlights and a mani/pedi and I do have stay they have all made me feel very good!!!! Every day this week I have not only gotten a shower and gotten dressed I even put make up on!!! Last night I was thinking about this past week; and I have to I was sort of impressed with myself I had gotten dressed and all, but then I thought well hell you only got dressed because you had places to go! Well flash forward to today I had no place to go, no one was coming over no plans at all and guess what????????? I not only got a shower and got dressed I put make up on and did my hair all before noon!!!! I even put “real” clothes on, clothes I could and would wear outside of the house if need be. Therefore I sort of feel as if things may be looking brighter and I have to say I like me this way!!!! It’s been a long time coming and I really didn’t realize how long it had really been until I began to sort of come out of “it”. When I think about it I want to beat myself up over the fact that I have to take a drug to make me feel “better” or more myself, when I really know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I feel embarrassed about it; don’t know why because I know more people who take something along those lines than don’t. I’ve had the very same conversation with them as I have with myself. That if taking the medication makes you feel better or feel as if you can face life again, who cares just take and be happy you feel better!! I keep telling myself that, every single time I want to beat me up over this stupid little blue pill!!!! Crazy, stupid, nutty I know; for feeling that way, but often times one’s mind can play nasty little tricks on you!! So that’s my ramblings about my little blue pill, I have to say I am so very thankful to it right now and no matter how much I want to beat myself up over taking I won’t allow it, it’s not a big deal I refuse to allow it to rule my life!! I also look at it like, I take several different medications for high blood pressure, renal failure and a whole host of other things, I don’t beat myself up about taking those, so why should I feel that way about my little blue pill/friend???? Any thoughts on my ramblings as I said before I’m open, even suggestions!!! Just no hate mail, even though I sort of feel as if I’m on the upside of the downslide, hate mail just may drop me back over to the other side again!!!!
I hope everyone has the most wonderful weekend; it’s going to be in the 60’s this weekend. I plan to make the most of it and just go for it!!!

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