Thanks for stopping by!

Just a lil FYI......I write here for me and me only. I hope to use this space to help me remember the good, the bad and the ugly!!! I may also voice my feelings on a few things here and there, if you don't agree with them, cool and please do feel free to let me know. BUT....(there's always a "but" huh???) be nice these are MY feelings and thoughts and it's MY blog so again be nice!!! Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you will check back often as I'm really trying to make myself post more often. Sometimes just writing things down help to get things off my chest so to say, and it does me feel better.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Been a long time, very long time!!!!

OK, so a few months have passed and I haven't exactly been the best blogger. I'm going to try to be a better blogger and do more posts. I really do like blogging, I feel better getting it all out, so to say!!!

So let's what's been happing since we last spoke! We of course are no longer on "baby-watch". We have a wonderful 6 month old grand daughter born 6/10/10. Her name is Caroline Nicole. She is just the very bestest thing in the world!!!!!!! Wow grand kids are great aren't they??? I didn't realize how I'd feel once she got here and all. Considering they were in HI when she was born, I knew we had a grand child but felt sort of disconnected from her. Fast forward to Novemeber 6, the day after our 27 anniversary I got my hands on her!!! Oh what a day, what a day!!! Just like with the birth of both of our kids, I feel in LOVE!!!! She is a sweet lil girl. Our son and daughter in law are now in Norfolk, VA. He has orders to be here at least 4 years. I can live with that 5.5 hour drive after a 12 hour flight to see them!! They are all doing well, we visited over Christmas and I'll tell you I cried many, many tears after leaving her this past Monday afternoon. This was all knowing I'd be back in about a month or so for our son's re enlistment service. There is so much I want to blog about but I could be here all day. This very reason is the very thing that has kept me from posting to begin with. I just feel like I need to give lots of information and often don't have the time to sit and write a huge post, so I just don't post at all. So with my new found desire to blog again, I have told myself I don't need to have a huge post that gives everything I need/want to say all once. So little by little I'll write about the past six months or so as well as the present each day or so. Lots and lots to tell as I said a huge and major change was we lost our 13 year old dalmatian. She was very sick off and on since April or so. We miss her tons. As did our other two dogs who seem fine now but were pretty sad pups for a while. OK, I'll be back tomorrow with a new post about what who knows!!!
Picture above is our sweet, sweet Caroline!!!!
Take care,

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Still on "baby watch"

Well my friends still no baby Sunday was the due date. Of course we all know that babies come when they are good and ready and not a second before. Not to mention she's a first baby so I don't know of many first babies who come on the due date. I told Kayla to walk and walk, and keep walking and when she's tired to walk some more!!! She didn't like that idea but how many 9 month preggo's would like that idea, right??
I guess I should let you know what "kind" of grand-baby we are getting huh? We are having a baby girl. Her name will be Caroline Nicole. She will be a first grand-baby on both sides. Kayla's parents are there and have been for about a week, I have to say I don't know if I'm jealous or just frustrated that we can't be there. Most likely a little of both, don't you think?? We had plans to be there in early July and be there for three weeks. Oh man just think three weeks of just taking in that sweet smell of a brand spanking new baby!!! Nothing like the smell of a baby right after a bath!!!! We didn't plan on being there when the baby was born, for many reasons; mainly one can deal with only so much company at one time!! Plus they made their plans before we did so what do you do?? Her parents should get to go first, right? Another reason is I don't want to have to share her with anyone when I do get to see her, so why not go once the other family has left, sound good huh?????
The reason we can't go is out of my hands, although it is sort of my fault if you look at it that way, which I do, my husband and son and daughter in law, do not look at it as my fault. Which is nice and I'm glad and all of that good stuff but I still feel horribly guilty that we can't make it. Back when I was in the hospital about three weeks or so ago, after much thought and even more tears I gave in and allowed them to put a port in my arm for IV access to make it easier to have IV access. My reason for not wanting it was because I've had numerous blood clots as a result of these wonderful ports and I was afraid I'd end up with one. Wouldn't you know about a week after I was discharged my arm began getting hot to the touch, red, and just throbbing like crazy!! I knew what the deal was before I even went to the doctors, so I went in they confirmed my fear, yes I did have a clot it was caught early enough that we could use a clot buster to break it up, great. We were all pleased it went so smoothly, until the next day and my arm hurts and all the same issues have returned. Another doctor’s visit and an ultra sound later confirms there is a smaller clot behind the port, can't remove the clot or use a clot bluster because it's behind and not easily reachable!!!! So what does this have to do with me going to HI to see our new grand-baby??? Flying could cause the clot to travel, to my heart, lungs, brain among the super bad places for it travel while I'm flying. I have a 70% chance of the clot traveling if I fly so as much as I want to go and as guilty as I feel about not going it's just not safe. Our son and daughter in law have been very understanding about this. That makes me feel good but I still feel guilty, and wonder what others are thinking as to why we aren't going to HI. Normally I could give a flying fuck what others think about me but for some reason this time it's really bothering me. I'm sure others will think, "can you believe she isn't going to see her grand-baby born or what kind of grand-parents are they going to be not even going to visit when she is first born. Those and many other things travel through my mind daily!! Sucks big time!!! I try to reason with myself which isn't very easy and tell myself David and Kayla know why we aren't there and they understand and don't want me to risk it and so who gives a flying fuck what others think, you know??? So that's where I am now.
I'll be back to let all of you know when she makes her appearance into this most fab world!!!! Have a most wonderful day my friends. As I mentioned I'm trying to be a better blogger but this next week I don't know how often I'll post my oldest sister and her son are coming for a visit and we have a few thing planned. That is if I'm feeling up to it, my feelings on that are I'm going to plan on feeling GREAT and if not we'll deal with whatever comes our way!!!! If I don’t make it back this week I’ll just have a long post by the time I do get back.


Sunday, June 6, 2010


This is another long one but hope comes across the way I want it to. Get a cup of coffee or tea and sit back and read!!

OK, where to begin. The beginning I suppose would be a good place huh? I read a post on someone's blog recently that really made me think about my sisters, nothing like them huh?? Love them one second and the next could um pinch them maybe?????? Anyone with me now? I have three sister who all happen to be OLDER than hell ,oh mean me, we grew up sharing rooms, a bath and a half. Now tell me that's not fun! My oldest two sisters shared a room and then the next I shared a room with the closest in age to me. Boy oh boy did she and I have some huge fights over the years. She even once taped the room in half!! We never fought over clothing because we went to catholic school and basically wore the same thing, plus our mother made lots of at least I remember she made a lot of my summer clothes so why fight over those? We had lots of family vacations at the Jersey Shore, I have some wonderful memories of those vacations!! I have to say for having a big family we sure did do lots of stuff and go lots of places. Now that is where the big difference in us comes or at least with two of them, that is. One doesn't seem to remember her name much so it's not a surprise she doesn't remember lots of childhood stuff. Not that I don't take each chance to remind her of something she did to me of course in front of her two daughters who seem to enjoy hearing. Then another sister who lived in the same house as us and shared a room with my oldest sister remembers how she had nothing as a child, was so left out of every thing, never got anything she wanted for Christmas or birthdays or EVER for that matter. She was just left out of every thing in her "book" and hey I guess we all have our own memories. Interestingly enough pictures tell a whole different story, the Christmas pictures in our living room looked like the show room at "Kiddie City" anyone else remember that toy store??? So yeah she thinks she is slighted but pictures don't lie!! OK so we're all different right? I mean we have all grown up to have different careers in life and three of us have moved from our hometown, one just slightly and the other an hour or so away then me um about 9 hours from them all. That in itself changes us somewhat. Being that my family (as in kids and hubby) missed out on a lot being so far away, when I was growing up I wanted nothing more than for my kids to grow up close to grand mom and pop-pop, aunts, uncles and cousins, didn't happen, such is life!!! We did go back as often as we could normally in the summer to enjoy that Jersey Shore. Our kids often spent a few weeks in NJ enjoying everyone a little longer than us, which I’m so thankful for, they have wonderful memories of the Shore with their cousins and for that I'm so happy. My parents came to visit us normally once a year as well. Then not so much after my father got sick. My oldest sister and her son came at least once a year to visit us and we have great memories of that as well. They often came around Thanksgiving, which made me very happy to spend time with family around a holiday and for them to see the traditions I've made with my family. Good times were had by all, well maybe not my hubby all the time but he dealt just fine!! I got sick and wasn't able to travel as much. Then as our kids got older there was less and less travel between all of us. Kids activities always going on, kids getting older and not wanting to be in the car for 9 or so hours at a time.
Then as often happens in families and from what I've read happens a good bit between sisters, something was said or done or whatever, (I really don't remember and don't care to drag up crap that was most likely stupid anyway!!!) I didn't hear from my sisters shortly after my dad passed away for a few years. I hated it more than anything, when the mail came I always hoped I’d have note from one of them. I heard from my mom and heard of the stuff everyone was doing and missed it all so much. This was all fairly early in me being sick, so often times daily life was all I could "do". Even though I never made an attempt to make the first move, I always wanted to but was afraid to. After several years my niece called out of the blue on Christmas eve, she said she just wanted to tell me she loved me and missed me and that her mom was in the car with and she said the same. That was a wonderful phone call and I’ll never forget it.
A few more months went by and the same niece called asking if I'd like to meet them for a vacation that was about half way between us. During that call I found out just how much I'd missed out on over the years, a sister had been divorced, nieces and nephew grew up so fast, a nephew had not only enlisted in the Army he had gone off to war. I think back now thank God nothing happened to him!!!! Anyway as a little more time went by my father in law passed away and we headed to NJ for the first time in almost TEN years.
I didn't really know what to expect, I was excited to see family, I was scared to see family all at the same time!! At this point in time I still hadn't heard from my oldest sister since whatever happened. My one sister and niece came to my father in law's service and told me my oldest sister was coming. I was very happy but very scared, why who knows, fear of the unknown I suppose. I was afraid she hated me and was afraid she thought I hated her. My nephew came with her and my son and I spoke to him first, he was so grown up, been off to war and back, just so dam grown up. I had missed so much!!!! I spoke to my sister for a few minutes (she was on her way to work and only had a short amount of time) I met her brand new puppy who happened to bite my nose. It seemed the tides were turning, I was happy my sisters were back in my life, I sure did miss them!! We spoke on the phone a few times over the next year and boy did the next year change our lives forever!!!
My mother was ill, although she never let anyone know. We knew she had high blood pressure and had had a stroke but was pretty "stable" and had been for a number of years. Little did we know she was slowly fading, still working her part time job and going on with life. I spoke to her a few times a week, my sisters did the same as well as saw her in person. She had some elective surgery in June of 2007 and from there she just went down hill, quickly!! She began telling me she was short of breath and felt sweaty often. I kept telling her to go to the doctor and she did but at this point he just blew her off. Told her she was having some panic acts take this or that. Well it wasn’t long before she wasn't able to go on with life and quickly passed away. Again I have to face my sisters who I've spoken to by phone over the last few months but only chit chatty stuff. It ended up being not only the best time but the worst time in my life!! My mother was ill and I forgot to mention I had gone to NJ and stayed three months while she ill. That gave me lots of face to face time with my sisters and that part was wonderful, it just made me so happy to be around them and just "be" there. Once my mother passed away I promised myself it would NOT be ten years or so before I came back to NJ, too much time was lost and I didn't plan to lose anymore.
So far I've kept my promise to myself, I've managed to travel up there twice a year and my oldest sister has been here twice a year. It feels great!! I talk to my sister closest in age to me often as well as see her while I'm in NJ. Life is great, right???? Well pretty much is, except as you notice I've mentioned TWO sisters I see and talk to, I still have another one, right??? You remember the one who had it so bad in the same house with the rest of it who thought we had it so good, guess you can't everyone all the time!! I know that for a fact just makes you wonder how four sisters can grow up in one house and three of us are sort of pretty normal (if there is a normal!!)and the other be so out there. It does bother me in a way that I don't speak to that sister and it's been just recently that I haven't spoken to her. Why?? Because she was making me crazy and I can do that all by myself thank you very much!!! But truly I did stop speaking to her because she needs help, in a bad, bad way. She is an attention seeker and I don't mean just a little bit loud at times, she's that too but she's much more than that. She makes herself sick for attention, if one of her kids are mad at her she has chest pain or this or that. If anyone of us is sick or has some type of surgery or sickness, she suddenly comes down with something a short time later. Just too much to deal with and I don't mean little things she comes up with it's always the worst this or that. Well my final straw with her was she told us she had breast cancer, but none of it added up, she made up stories and treatments that just were off the wall. Yes some cancer treatments are "off the wall" I realize this. So that made me say hummm, then I see her after her telling she had had this huge procedure and her arm is huge and where her breast used to be was huge and she had this and that was wrong. Well, she came to my other sisters to visit while I was in NJ, a pretty odd thing happened, she wasn't swollen, any where. I asked to see her scar, she whips up her top and bra so fast I see nothing at all. OK well maybe she's already healed you say, well nope that isn't the case according to her the day before her wound is open and won't heal. Well I may be stupid but I know huge wounds don't heal over night, just another lie in big old pile of lies.
Then she tells me she is in CCU, I call to check on her, nope never been a patient in our CCU, so I call her she tells me she is in the hospital, but funny thing is they checked the entire hospital system and she is no where to be found, but keeps trying to tell me she is there. So I had enough, I told she needed lots of help and I truly hope she took that to heart and that until she got herself some help and stopped all of this "storytelling" I didn't want to hear from her. Mean maybe, but I just couldn't deal with her/it any longer she just doesn't see that we are on to her, we've been on to her for a long time. I just hope and pray she gets the help she needs and that one day she'll come to us and say "I'm sorry, I was sick I've gotten help", until then for my sanity I have to stay away. I don't hate her, I do love her, but I want to pinch her for telling such lies, just too sad!!!
So anyway now that I've said all of this I just want to say, forget about holding grudges, or holding out for the other one to call you first, just move on, don't dig up the past or why you stopped speaking to your whom ever it's not worth it mostly likely was over something stupid anyway!! My friends, “Life is way too short not to enjoy!!!!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

OK, grab a cup of coffee or tea and I'll tell me tale of surgery, ha ha. Lots of gross stuff ahead, OK, you were warned, HA HA!!! I went in the night before only to find that they didn't have me on the OR schdule, they had me in one computer but not the other, interesting because all of this happened after I began the dreadful prep that stuff is horrible!!!!!!!! Then a resident comes in and gives me that above info and says oh yeah by the way the ostomy nurse is gone for the day too. so i'm freaking out big time, a short time which seemed like a long time later my personal doctor comes in and i tell him i'm leaving this isn't a good idea after all. he says no you'll never come back um yeah he was correct!!! so after his calming talk i agree to stay he tells me if he has to operate on 12 mindnight on me he'll do it, so i plan not to go to surgery before 7pm the night after i arrive, great no sleep the night before offered me a sleeper i say no i want the time to worry ha ha, so early the next am the ostomy nurse comes in, for some reason i sort of freakout by not being able to say a word or even look at her or my hubby, only ball my eyes out big time. she was fab, took her time nad was just a wonderful lady, so finally i calm enough to get the dreaded dots for my stoma placement and she isn't even in my room 10 mins and a knock on my door brings surgery to get me, but wait it's only 9:30 AM and i haven't had a shower or worried enough or stressed out enough, yeah right!! so i begin the tears again the ostomy nurse was fab again she went to the door and siad DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR AGAIN I'LL OPEN IT WHEN I'M READY FOR YOU!!!!! OK so she goes back to taking her time and was just fab to me. She leaves and tell surgery to give me 5 mins and then go in, so i cry to my hubby some, oh man this is bringing tears to me now!! So i get on the stretcher to the OR, upon arriving in the holding area who but my personal dr comes out and hugs me and tells me he knows i'm upset but it'll be ok and he's rubbing my arms and legs just trying to make me stop crying it was so sweet, then of course you know several people from the sleepy drs to the nurses from the OR all come out and talk to you, they tried to stick me, no luck in getting an IV in even my foot so my dr says just take her back there and give her some "happy gas" and put her lines in then. Great plan to me, now the entire time my dr is stil with me, just making me feel calm as can be!!! He stayed with me until i was asleep he was the last face i saw going out and the first i saw upon waking, talk about a great dr!!!!! So i'm told i'm going to CCU due to high BP and high blood sugars and a high heart rate, oh man was my heart racing and it was killing my tummy!!!! so i get to the unit my nurse was fab, he gets more a different stronger pain med going through the device i push for pain meds every few minutes, don't remember much about that night except my heart was racing all night long and it was making me hot as can be and hurting my tummy!! I had a hige tube in my nose a first for me and a huge incision in my in tummy that went from boobs to past pubes and then in the middle it went across sort of like a cross on my tummy nice and big and sore!!!!!! S0 i stay in the unit for several days not much fun because i was awake and didn't feel well and well those people working in there were loud as can be and all the spoke about was food!!! Of course it happened to be the week before thanksgiving here, but still!!! I was so nasuated but due to the ng never threw up then. i moved to the floor around wed after my surgery being on friday, and oh yeah my surgery was way long it went in at 11:30 AM and came out at 8:30 PM!!!!!! My dr looked tired as can be when i woke up and saw him, then he was there bright and early the next am at like 8AM grest guy great dr!!!!! So i'm on the floor and on thanksgiving day they pull my NG tube out, i was fine all day, into the evening as i drank a lil ginger ale i began to feel my belly bloat so i only drank flat soda, no good either!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Friday am i begin throwing up green bile and keep throwing up till mid-Sat afternoon when i'm told i need another NG tube put in at that point i was sore from surgery and puking i was ready, it hurt like hell but who cares!!!!!! So i'm much better once they put it in and hook my to sucution, yeah!!!! I go down for tummy xrays monday and am told i have an ileaus, which is basicly swollen bowls so much so that nothing can pass through so that's why i'm puking my guts up, only fix for it was belly rest and ng tube, ok fine so i continue on with my new tube and i keep till the following thursday am, i am told i can eat and drink but my tummy still felt bloated so i was drinking barely, then i begin a temp of 104 great!!!! so that Thursday was a roough day, that evening i begin throwing up neon green bile again, great!!!!! So i through up all day friday and all day Sat, then they say i need another iv due to all of the puking yeah i think i needed it before then but then again my dr was off for a few days and i didn't like who was on call for him and told him when he came back and he was so wonderful about that and told the residents from now if i have issues he is to be called no matter what!!! Nice guy huh? so iget my IV and meds for pucking doesn't help at all!!! I keep puking into Sun AM i am told again i need an ng tube again by that point i don't care i've been puking for days again. then some stupid nurse comes in and pushes a med that totally burned and blew my IV, so great n iv access so no pain meds no puke meds either, Sun my dr comes in and sees how dry i am orders a central line for an iv i get it in and get puke and pain meds and sleep for while, so i just cruise on from then all week and slowly they began turning down the suction and i could talorate it ok, so thursday my ng comes out i have chicken noodle soup for dinner and kept it down and i get to go home exactly three weeks and one day from the day i went in!!!!!!!!!!!!! As for my stoma it's doing well but i was so sick during my hospital stay that it wasn't on my mind much, so that sort of hit me hard when i got home and had no back up, other than hubby and of course he was great about it and was as helpful as he could be. i had lots of company my sister from NJ drove down to see me and our son and daughter in law were here from HI. Christmas comes and goes and i cry about everyday that goes by, i don't remember when i finally stopped crying over my stoma daily but then it became like once a week i'd have a good cry, and now i can't remember the last time i cried about it till i wrote this which i wanted to write about before because i'm sure i have forgotten some stuff i took a few photos i plan to put on my blog soon. I've had so far so good with my stoma and changing the bag and stuff, i've had two infections since one where i just slide by the skin of my teeth not being admitted to the hospital and agreed to come to the office every day and injections of ab's. I'm on ab's for about another week and then i go to once a day a maintance sort of dose. My dr here who didn't do my surgery (i had to go to a big medical center for surgery due to all of health issues) has been fab as he normally is, he seems to think once we get this infection cleared we should be good to go and i shouldn't hopefully have infection after infection but only time will tell. I can say i feel a hell of a lot better than i did before surgery now. i'm getting around fine doing all of my normal stuff i do or don't do daily!!!! I also am really taking a leap of faith and am traveling to NJ to visit my sisters for three weeks, it's a long over due visit and i'm looking forward to it and that is oine of the things that got my through my surgery and and recovery knowing i had this trip planned and i pushed to get better every day just so i'd be able to travel so i'm glad i had this trip planned because i really think not having had anything to look forward to would have made recovery harder. So that's the tale of my surgery!!!