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Just a lil FYI......I write here for me and me only. I hope to use this space to help me remember the good, the bad and the ugly!!! I may also voice my feelings on a few things here and there, if you don't agree with them, cool and please do feel free to let me know. BUT....(there's always a "but" huh???) be nice these are MY feelings and thoughts and it's MY blog so again be nice!!! Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you will check back often as I'm really trying to make myself post more often. Sometimes just writing things down help to get things off my chest so to say, and it does me feel better.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Still on "baby watch"

Well my friends still no baby Sunday was the due date. Of course we all know that babies come when they are good and ready and not a second before. Not to mention she's a first baby so I don't know of many first babies who come on the due date. I told Kayla to walk and walk, and keep walking and when she's tired to walk some more!!! She didn't like that idea but how many 9 month preggo's would like that idea, right??
I guess I should let you know what "kind" of grand-baby we are getting huh? We are having a baby girl. Her name will be Caroline Nicole. She will be a first grand-baby on both sides. Kayla's parents are there and have been for about a week, I have to say I don't know if I'm jealous or just frustrated that we can't be there. Most likely a little of both, don't you think?? We had plans to be there in early July and be there for three weeks. Oh man just think three weeks of just taking in that sweet smell of a brand spanking new baby!!! Nothing like the smell of a baby right after a bath!!!! We didn't plan on being there when the baby was born, for many reasons; mainly one can deal with only so much company at one time!! Plus they made their plans before we did so what do you do?? Her parents should get to go first, right? Another reason is I don't want to have to share her with anyone when I do get to see her, so why not go once the other family has left, sound good huh?????
The reason we can't go is out of my hands, although it is sort of my fault if you look at it that way, which I do, my husband and son and daughter in law, do not look at it as my fault. Which is nice and I'm glad and all of that good stuff but I still feel horribly guilty that we can't make it. Back when I was in the hospital about three weeks or so ago, after much thought and even more tears I gave in and allowed them to put a port in my arm for IV access to make it easier to have IV access. My reason for not wanting it was because I've had numerous blood clots as a result of these wonderful ports and I was afraid I'd end up with one. Wouldn't you know about a week after I was discharged my arm began getting hot to the touch, red, and just throbbing like crazy!! I knew what the deal was before I even went to the doctors, so I went in they confirmed my fear, yes I did have a clot it was caught early enough that we could use a clot buster to break it up, great. We were all pleased it went so smoothly, until the next day and my arm hurts and all the same issues have returned. Another doctor’s visit and an ultra sound later confirms there is a smaller clot behind the port, can't remove the clot or use a clot bluster because it's behind and not easily reachable!!!! So what does this have to do with me going to HI to see our new grand-baby??? Flying could cause the clot to travel, to my heart, lungs, brain among the super bad places for it travel while I'm flying. I have a 70% chance of the clot traveling if I fly so as much as I want to go and as guilty as I feel about not going it's just not safe. Our son and daughter in law have been very understanding about this. That makes me feel good but I still feel guilty, and wonder what others are thinking as to why we aren't going to HI. Normally I could give a flying fuck what others think about me but for some reason this time it's really bothering me. I'm sure others will think, "can you believe she isn't going to see her grand-baby born or what kind of grand-parents are they going to be not even going to visit when she is first born. Those and many other things travel through my mind daily!! Sucks big time!!! I try to reason with myself which isn't very easy and tell myself David and Kayla know why we aren't there and they understand and don't want me to risk it and so who gives a flying fuck what others think, you know??? So that's where I am now.
I'll be back to let all of you know when she makes her appearance into this most fab world!!!! Have a most wonderful day my friends. As I mentioned I'm trying to be a better blogger but this next week I don't know how often I'll post my oldest sister and her son are coming for a visit and we have a few thing planned. That is if I'm feeling up to it, my feelings on that are I'm going to plan on feeling GREAT and if not we'll deal with whatever comes our way!!!! If I don’t make it back this week I’ll just have a long post by the time I do get back.


Sunday, June 6, 2010


This is another long one but hope comes across the way I want it to. Get a cup of coffee or tea and sit back and read!!

OK, where to begin. The beginning I suppose would be a good place huh? I read a post on someone's blog recently that really made me think about my sisters, nothing like them huh?? Love them one second and the next could um pinch them maybe?????? Anyone with me now? I have three sister who all happen to be OLDER than hell ,oh mean me, we grew up sharing rooms, a bath and a half. Now tell me that's not fun! My oldest two sisters shared a room and then the next I shared a room with the closest in age to me. Boy oh boy did she and I have some huge fights over the years. She even once taped the room in half!! We never fought over clothing because we went to catholic school and basically wore the same thing, plus our mother made lots of at least I remember she made a lot of my summer clothes so why fight over those? We had lots of family vacations at the Jersey Shore, I have some wonderful memories of those vacations!! I have to say for having a big family we sure did do lots of stuff and go lots of places. Now that is where the big difference in us comes or at least with two of them, that is. One doesn't seem to remember her name much so it's not a surprise she doesn't remember lots of childhood stuff. Not that I don't take each chance to remind her of something she did to me of course in front of her two daughters who seem to enjoy hearing. Then another sister who lived in the same house as us and shared a room with my oldest sister remembers how she had nothing as a child, was so left out of every thing, never got anything she wanted for Christmas or birthdays or EVER for that matter. She was just left out of every thing in her "book" and hey I guess we all have our own memories. Interestingly enough pictures tell a whole different story, the Christmas pictures in our living room looked like the show room at "Kiddie City" anyone else remember that toy store??? So yeah she thinks she is slighted but pictures don't lie!! OK so we're all different right? I mean we have all grown up to have different careers in life and three of us have moved from our hometown, one just slightly and the other an hour or so away then me um about 9 hours from them all. That in itself changes us somewhat. Being that my family (as in kids and hubby) missed out on a lot being so far away, when I was growing up I wanted nothing more than for my kids to grow up close to grand mom and pop-pop, aunts, uncles and cousins, didn't happen, such is life!!! We did go back as often as we could normally in the summer to enjoy that Jersey Shore. Our kids often spent a few weeks in NJ enjoying everyone a little longer than us, which I’m so thankful for, they have wonderful memories of the Shore with their cousins and for that I'm so happy. My parents came to visit us normally once a year as well. Then not so much after my father got sick. My oldest sister and her son came at least once a year to visit us and we have great memories of that as well. They often came around Thanksgiving, which made me very happy to spend time with family around a holiday and for them to see the traditions I've made with my family. Good times were had by all, well maybe not my hubby all the time but he dealt just fine!! I got sick and wasn't able to travel as much. Then as our kids got older there was less and less travel between all of us. Kids activities always going on, kids getting older and not wanting to be in the car for 9 or so hours at a time.
Then as often happens in families and from what I've read happens a good bit between sisters, something was said or done or whatever, (I really don't remember and don't care to drag up crap that was most likely stupid anyway!!!) I didn't hear from my sisters shortly after my dad passed away for a few years. I hated it more than anything, when the mail came I always hoped I’d have note from one of them. I heard from my mom and heard of the stuff everyone was doing and missed it all so much. This was all fairly early in me being sick, so often times daily life was all I could "do". Even though I never made an attempt to make the first move, I always wanted to but was afraid to. After several years my niece called out of the blue on Christmas eve, she said she just wanted to tell me she loved me and missed me and that her mom was in the car with and she said the same. That was a wonderful phone call and I’ll never forget it.
A few more months went by and the same niece called asking if I'd like to meet them for a vacation that was about half way between us. During that call I found out just how much I'd missed out on over the years, a sister had been divorced, nieces and nephew grew up so fast, a nephew had not only enlisted in the Army he had gone off to war. I think back now thank God nothing happened to him!!!! Anyway as a little more time went by my father in law passed away and we headed to NJ for the first time in almost TEN years.
I didn't really know what to expect, I was excited to see family, I was scared to see family all at the same time!! At this point in time I still hadn't heard from my oldest sister since whatever happened. My one sister and niece came to my father in law's service and told me my oldest sister was coming. I was very happy but very scared, why who knows, fear of the unknown I suppose. I was afraid she hated me and was afraid she thought I hated her. My nephew came with her and my son and I spoke to him first, he was so grown up, been off to war and back, just so dam grown up. I had missed so much!!!! I spoke to my sister for a few minutes (she was on her way to work and only had a short amount of time) I met her brand new puppy who happened to bite my nose. It seemed the tides were turning, I was happy my sisters were back in my life, I sure did miss them!! We spoke on the phone a few times over the next year and boy did the next year change our lives forever!!!
My mother was ill, although she never let anyone know. We knew she had high blood pressure and had had a stroke but was pretty "stable" and had been for a number of years. Little did we know she was slowly fading, still working her part time job and going on with life. I spoke to her a few times a week, my sisters did the same as well as saw her in person. She had some elective surgery in June of 2007 and from there she just went down hill, quickly!! She began telling me she was short of breath and felt sweaty often. I kept telling her to go to the doctor and she did but at this point he just blew her off. Told her she was having some panic acts take this or that. Well it wasn’t long before she wasn't able to go on with life and quickly passed away. Again I have to face my sisters who I've spoken to by phone over the last few months but only chit chatty stuff. It ended up being not only the best time but the worst time in my life!! My mother was ill and I forgot to mention I had gone to NJ and stayed three months while she ill. That gave me lots of face to face time with my sisters and that part was wonderful, it just made me so happy to be around them and just "be" there. Once my mother passed away I promised myself it would NOT be ten years or so before I came back to NJ, too much time was lost and I didn't plan to lose anymore.
So far I've kept my promise to myself, I've managed to travel up there twice a year and my oldest sister has been here twice a year. It feels great!! I talk to my sister closest in age to me often as well as see her while I'm in NJ. Life is great, right???? Well pretty much is, except as you notice I've mentioned TWO sisters I see and talk to, I still have another one, right??? You remember the one who had it so bad in the same house with the rest of it who thought we had it so good, guess you can't everyone all the time!! I know that for a fact just makes you wonder how four sisters can grow up in one house and three of us are sort of pretty normal (if there is a normal!!)and the other be so out there. It does bother me in a way that I don't speak to that sister and it's been just recently that I haven't spoken to her. Why?? Because she was making me crazy and I can do that all by myself thank you very much!!! But truly I did stop speaking to her because she needs help, in a bad, bad way. She is an attention seeker and I don't mean just a little bit loud at times, she's that too but she's much more than that. She makes herself sick for attention, if one of her kids are mad at her she has chest pain or this or that. If anyone of us is sick or has some type of surgery or sickness, she suddenly comes down with something a short time later. Just too much to deal with and I don't mean little things she comes up with it's always the worst this or that. Well my final straw with her was she told us she had breast cancer, but none of it added up, she made up stories and treatments that just were off the wall. Yes some cancer treatments are "off the wall" I realize this. So that made me say hummm, then I see her after her telling she had had this huge procedure and her arm is huge and where her breast used to be was huge and she had this and that was wrong. Well, she came to my other sisters to visit while I was in NJ, a pretty odd thing happened, she wasn't swollen, any where. I asked to see her scar, she whips up her top and bra so fast I see nothing at all. OK well maybe she's already healed you say, well nope that isn't the case according to her the day before her wound is open and won't heal. Well I may be stupid but I know huge wounds don't heal over night, just another lie in big old pile of lies.
Then she tells me she is in CCU, I call to check on her, nope never been a patient in our CCU, so I call her she tells me she is in the hospital, but funny thing is they checked the entire hospital system and she is no where to be found, but keeps trying to tell me she is there. So I had enough, I told she needed lots of help and I truly hope she took that to heart and that until she got herself some help and stopped all of this "storytelling" I didn't want to hear from her. Mean maybe, but I just couldn't deal with her/it any longer she just doesn't see that we are on to her, we've been on to her for a long time. I just hope and pray she gets the help she needs and that one day she'll come to us and say "I'm sorry, I was sick I've gotten help", until then for my sanity I have to stay away. I don't hate her, I do love her, but I want to pinch her for telling such lies, just too sad!!!
So anyway now that I've said all of this I just want to say, forget about holding grudges, or holding out for the other one to call you first, just move on, don't dig up the past or why you stopped speaking to your whom ever it's not worth it mostly likely was over something stupid anyway!! My friends, “Life is way too short not to enjoy!!!!!