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Just a lil FYI......I write here for me and me only. I hope to use this space to help me remember the good, the bad and the ugly!!! I may also voice my feelings on a few things here and there, if you don't agree with them, cool and please do feel free to let me know. BUT....(there's always a "but" huh???) be nice these are MY feelings and thoughts and it's MY blog so again be nice!!! Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you will check back often as I'm really trying to make myself post more often. Sometimes just writing things down help to get things off my chest so to say, and it does me feel better.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Home from Club Med!!!!

So I’m home from Club Med as I like to call it, not a great stay not a horrible stay either!!! I had a kidney infection as well as being septic from that fabo kidney of mine!!! It was about as eventful as most hospital stays for me, lots of horrible shaking, chills, teeth chattering fevers, pain that makes you sort of not like life very much. Other than that it was a pretty normal hospital stay for me. I learned a few things I’d rather not know and not have to deal with but such is life, you gotta live with the hand one is dealt or so they say, right???? It seems that my left and only remaining kidney has taken a huge hit, once again! My renal function is at an all time low; my upper pole to middle of my kidney is now fairly scarred over. The fact that it has gone from only the upper left pole down through the middle in only a few short months, well I suppose we could say that’s not a real good thing. Again such is life, right???? Honestly I was sort of afraid to ask exactly what this might mean for me. It’s only been four months since my last ultra sound, and according the radiology report there is significant scarring since “US as of 9/2010”. Can we all say FUCKING great???????? Thanks Mike Daniel for your stupid fuck up, thanks for refusing to see that something was truly “wrong” with my right fucking kidney all the times I bitched something was wrong!!!!! You stupid fuck, I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry but just had to say it, it just pisses me off to no end to think that some of this could have been prevented had I not had such a fuck up of a doctor and had I not let him bully me into “thinking” it was all in my head!!
OK, rant over for now, sorry but it’s really hard not to be pissed off at times such as this. To say I’m scared doesn’t even come close. Lots of words such as end stage renal disease and other ugly words were mentioned. My physician was not “on call” over the weekend when most of the sucky results came back, much to my sorrow. Anyway the “on call” physician gave me the results and was as compassionate as he could be, I’m sure he was waiting for me to respond. I didn’t, for many reasons; big reason was I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it all. Plus why waste that fabo feeling one has with large amounts of IV pain meds running through your veins to discuss sucky things such as “your life pretty much sucks right now and really your future isn’t looking much better”??? Yeah so I dodged that great conversation for a bit, but really now that I think about it, maybe I should have had that convo while I was drugged. Maybe I should have!!!! So I’m so looking forward to my follow up appointment with my urologist, NOT!!!!! It’s a good thing I really like this guy and as hard as it is I do trust him. I keep flipping between telling myself I need to make a list of questions for my appointment. Then part of me says “hell no don’t do that you might hear something you don’t like, can’t deal with, whatever…..” so I still have a few weeks to figure out my plan. I just wish that stupid fuck Mike Daniel didn’t make me lose all trust in physicians!!! I try really, really hard to trust but dam it’s so fucking hard to do. I suppose one could say I have a few more weeks to “pretend nothing in my little world is wrong” for a bit longer. Of course I so know this isn’t the smartest thing in the world to do and considering I sort of like being here on this place called “earth”, I’ll suck it up and put on my big girl panties that day and face whatever it is he has to tell me, good, bad ugly whatever. Then we’ll make a plan together and hope for the best.
There is a bright side to all of this sucky crap, that CT scan that I needed for a follow up on that whatever it is/was in my lung is scarring!! Well that’s good news right??? Gotta take the good news when we can get it, you know??? I’m told it’s scarring from the chest tubes I’ve had in the past and very possibly the blood clots as well. So that is all fabo news!!! I’m very happy with the outcome on that, so I can at least end this post on not such a sucky note! Hope everyone has a most wonderful rest of the weekend!! No big plans here, I am finally sort of feeling like a human again, progress, slow but progress is progress, gotta take it where and when you can!!

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